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a spankin' new year,

could be the last one, eh?

got big plans, but i always do...

:)

i'm very good at making plans...

carrying them through? not so

much,

but i might could make it work this time...

i might just could...

just got to be like that stupid

ant and the rubber tree plant, eh?

now IS the time to get dorky,

get behind it and move it along

a little further down the line...

where is kurt cobain now?

when i hear him sing,

i wonder where he went to...

he strikes me (and how naive am

i to think i know something about

a total stranger...naive and invasive...

feels a little violative)

by the by, i made that word up...

it used to happen all the time,

people needed a word and they

would just make it up...

lewis carol did it with portmanteau words...

not that i'm lewis carol-good...

always ready to knock myself down a

little, eh?

never willing to just take a compliment...

so much easier to agree with someone

else's shitty opinion, those i am able to

trust as true...but not the compliments...

that is just pathetic...14 year old emo shoot

myself pathetic

(sorry kurt, life is a gift and you pissed it

away...you should have let someone

help you)

but see that's how it goes...it's not like

people consciously hate you because you

have no self-esteem, but if you don't like

you, then how are you possibly going to

believe someone else could, right? so then

you get really obnoxious with all of your

insecurity and you start talking them out

of being able to be around you...you drive

them away so you can turn around and

say, see? i was right. i do suck a green

monkey dick...

so if i can see these things, why don't i fix myself?

and i have no good response for that, and

then i feel worse for being such a weak

pussy...terribly strong word...kinda gross

too, but appropriate and so i have to use it

because i always have to do the appropriate

thing, like i could always do that ever...like

anyone could, but then i think that people

say all the time that to err is human, but

maybe that's just like in law school when the

c students would tell each other-

(bananafishbones is sooooooo lovely a song)

- the A students teach, the B students judge, and the C students make a million dollars...

just some kind of verbal band-aid, an oral salve

that always tasted a little bitter to me...

:)

i like to walk around and do very silly shit

and tell people i have a law degree and

tell them if i can do it, fucking ANYONE can!

it's how i take the mickey with myself...

my little old man shakes his head and says

sadly, you just can't be happy, can you?

he's a biologist and i think he thinks i like

to be miserable fuck, which only makes me a

miserable fuck to be around...what a lovely

circular pattern my idiocy takes and how

divine i can plot it's precise course and

yet somehow lack the spine to deviate...

that is some kind of monster wtf for me...

and then just like that i want to shut my

flippin' pie hole so to speak and delete this

whole post, but back to what i was jawin'

about in the bee-gin,

maybe this time, i'll just let it go, i'll let it

ride on to whatever and i'll just watch it

go...maybe i just gotta let the fuck go...

happy thursday, and as always...

have a groovy one...